“New Moon” is a terrible, terrible movie…

They learned NOTHING from the first atrocity? The script is still stilted, insipid, and pointless. The acting…”acting” is barely people moving around and saying words on film. You can’t even critique it, or reflect on it, because it’s just crap. It’s like trying to apply literary critical theory to a hand turkey by a two-year old. Only, the two-year old probably put a lot more thought into the paint on their hand, than anybody put into this movie.

 Surely there’s no possible way the book characters are so flat and uninteresting.  The “plot” so far is one cliché after another, to the point I’m confused. Didn’t anybody read this script, first? Or see any footage of Kristen Stewart? The vapid, angsty blandness worked for her suburban stereotype in Adventureland, but her passion/emotionless recitation of dialogue (“acting”) detracts from the already clichéd(I need some other words for cliché, if I’m going to keep talking about this movie – why am I even talking about this movie?), poorly written script. Are teen girls today (not to mention grown women, don’t even get me started) so identifying with this perpetual damsel in distress? So devoid of sense of self and strength she latches uncommunicative, violent old men…oooh, there’s nothing I could say about this, that someone else hasn’t.  

Emphasis mine.

“New Moon” is a terrible, terrible movie that is essentially “Transformers 2” for the training bra set with pseudo-soulful glances from bare-chested boys substituting for giant robots blowing things up.

Watching it is like staring at one of its promo T-shirts for 130 minutes–in both cases, the people on display are pretty enough but after a few minutes, their one-dimensional natures and the fact that they don’t actually do much of anything will quickly grow wearying for anyone looking for more than eye candy for unimaginative 14-year-old girls….Bella is crushed and spends the next few months (signified by arguably the most unintentionally hilarious moment in a film chock-full of them), weeping herself to sleep, trembling like a withdrawing heroin addict and acting even more anti-social than usual until she begins spending more and more quality time with Jake (Taylor Lautner), her newly buff and often shirtless best pal who, it turns out, is also a werewolf (though easily the least threatening one to appear on the big screen since Jason Bateman suited up for “Teen Wolf Too“)…what I fail to understand is, based on the evidence seen here, why the large and fanatical audience that is has developed would want to associate themselves with something as utterly dreadful as this. Do they actually admire a central character like Bella, a whiny mope who apparently can’t function in the world unless she has herself a fella? Do they actually find Edward to be a compelling and fascinating romantic foil even though it seems that he has managed to live for more than 100 years without developing anything resembling a personality. Do they actually find some trace of romantic chemistry between Bella and either one of the non-threatening boys that she finds herself flirting with in the most passive-aggressive manner and without any evident curiosity about their supernatural natures? Do they actually enjoy the maddening story construct that, much like the previous film, finds the characters more or less treading narrative water for more than 90 minutes before any actual drama kicks in, only to have it all more or less resolved in about 15 minutes or so?

 Then again, it could simply be the fact that the story, once again adapted by Melissa Rosenberg, is such a lugubrious lump of unplayable scenes and unspeakable dialogue that not even the finest and most distinctive filmmakers working today could make much of it. ..Kristen Stewart…her performance is so lumpy and listless that it feel as if she was whacked upside the head with a two-by-four before every take. As for the guys, Pattinson is so limp and listless throughout that he seems in more need of a flu shot than a taste of blood. while Lautner literally lets his pecs do the talking throughout in the chestiest performance to hit the screen since Gerard Butler bounced around in “300.”

~

New Moonis…so tedious and stupid that it makes last year’s Twilight seem like Nosferatu.

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You can’t help watching without worrying about the future of humanity. It’s a bona fide box office smash, largely because seemingly every teenage girl on the planet is lapping it up. They all wish they could be Bella, some vacuous girl who pines over a guy who looks like he’s stuck his head in a bowl of flour, has about as much personality as a sock, mumbles incessantly, dumps her, buggers off to Italy and then turns up in her dreams whenever she seems to be getting over him to wag his finger because she’s callous enough not to be pining for him anymore.

Why? Well, he’s sorta good looking, and it’s the power of true love, right? If this is the world’s next generation of womanhood, that’s a century of female emancipation down the drain.

…the dispiriting dullness of the central plot, hamstrung by the fact that the two central characters are so insipid.

~

If further evidence was needed (and it really wasn’t) to support H.L. Mencken’s assertion that “no one ever went broke by underestimating the taste of the American public,” the opening weekend take of $140 million for The Twilight Saga: New Moon is that evidence.

a tedious morass of emo goo that goes on for 130 seemingly interminable minutes. Even the amusing gay werewolf subtext—with Jake (Taylor Lautner proving that his acting peaked four years ago in The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl) dumping Bella (Kristen Stewart) to be his real werewolf self (“it’s not a lifestyle choice”) by hanging out with a bunch of beefed-up shirtless boys—is only mildly diverting. You’re still left with about 20-minutes worth of story that mostly keeps going by reels and reels of moping from Bella and Edward (Robert Pattinson). To pad this out, the two have more mood swings and changes of heart than the entire cast of Gone With the Wind.

This might work better if either actor had any charisma, or if their attraction to each other made any sense. I guess Bella’s all hot and bothered over Edward because he can walk in “romantic” slow motion whenever he enters a scene.

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MovieJuice’s whole review is worth reading. Also, a review in poem tome. I think what really irks me isn’t what a piece of crap New Moon is. Plenty of bad movies get made, all the time. Heck, I own a lot of them. I tell myself it’s a fad, these girls will know better in a few years…but then, how to explain the grown women?

I just don’t get it. Luckily, The Oatmeal does.

Please to read How Twilight Works.

And you saw Twilight: Three Wolf Moon, right?

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One Response to ““New Moon” is a terrible, terrible movie…”

  1. I’m going to Burning Man. Says:

    […] By J https://obitch.wordpress.com/2009/11/28/%e2%80%9cnew-moon%e2%80%9d-is-a-terrible-terrible-movie/ […]

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