Archive for November, 2009

November 30, 2009

Ok, this video is funny for several reasons. Primarily, because it totally captures the viewing experience, in every way. The bad acting, stupid plot and feeling of “what did I just do for two hours? I don’t even remember…”

 Watching this video is actually like watching the whole movie, as the creators explain:

Edward leaves Bella after NOTHING HAPPENS at a party.
Bella spends a good third of the film wallowing in her misery instead of getting the hell over it.
Bella helps Jacob rebuild old motorcycles while NOTHING HAPPENS.
Bella leads Jacob on but NOTHING HAPPENS.
Edward almost kills himself BUT THEN DOESN’T.
Edward gets in a fight with the Volturi but IS THEN FORGIVEN.
Edward and Jacob make some kind of pact, THEN JACOB LEAVES.
Edward asks for Bella’s hand in marriage, THEN THE CREDITS ROLL.

And remember how I was all, “I think part of what bothers me so much about this movie isn’t that it exists, but what girls are taking away from it. Wired shares my concern, in their Top 20 Unfortunate Lessons Girls Learn from Twilight. Including:

  • It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even more romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
  • Even though you have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, you should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy you something.
  • You should use said male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical or technical.
  • When making or watching a major feature film, you should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.

Also good, in that Wired article, a link to the beautiful people who gave us MST3K “riffing” on Twilight.

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Sunday movie matinee

November 29, 2009

Foriegn movies are usually pretty much French people doing things in France, Brits doing things in England, etc. So Kinamand is refreshing, in it’s story of a Danish man and his relationship with a family of  Chinese immigrants who feed him every night. America isn’t the only “melting pot.” We might have coined the phrase, but most all countries have expats from the rest of the world living, working, melding cultures, etc. Kinamand is less about the dual cultures and more another simple love? story.

The “?” as it is another green card scenario: our protagonist, the Danish “Kindamand” asked to marry the Chinese sister, so she can get a visa. Forced together “pro forma,” will it blossom into love? With the occasional subtle moments of humour that seem to trademark Scandinavian movies (Kitchen Stories, Let the Right One In), it is a fairly quiet story that flows along and then it’s over. No bada-booms, no overtly philosophical soapboxing, just a story with a beginning the expected arc, and an end – though the arc in this case is expected (whether or not the two formal newlyweds will melt into a puddle of love), the resolution, though not entirely unbelievable, is still above your run-of-the-mill American romcom.

Speaking of romcoms…Two Lovers ain’t one. JP feels unfamiliar and bloated, creepy and untrustworthy. Maybe it’s the child molestor coat.

Or my pre-bias towards moody artists who take pills and don’t have any money tainting my first impression.

One thing I’m liking, every frame screams New York. Bursting with other people, traffic, clustered houses and apartment buildings…the hustle and bustle. If you’ve never been to NYC, you might not notice – if you live there, you might take it for granted. Me, having been there, and away and missing it, I enjoyed tasting it. New York, that is. Um…moving on.

Thankfully, J’s character grows more charming and likeable. If you don’t pay too much attention you won’t notice the slight posturing between mood swings. Or you will, because his performance is so strong (yet refined), passionate (yet subtle), this (and that) and you’ll think, “Gee, he sure is a good actor.” And you know what bi-polar looks like. The spectrum of facial expressions, the sullen v. the exuberant – oops, there goes my bias again.

At one point he insists to G that he’s not a “child,” yet that is somehow what he stoops to, around her. A simpering, tripped-by-lust boy overcome with infatuation, begging her to run away with him…leaving his sensible-from-a-good-family (brunette to boot) girlfriend behind. G somehow manages to turn a caricature I’d usually find utterly pathetic (the other woman, convinced he’ll leave his life for her) into a character that I’ll at least be curious to see what happens to.

That was a bad sentence.

Say what you will – and I say she didn’t deserve an Oscar for that silly Shakespeare movie, and she is insanely full of herself – but her frank, stark portrayal of an otherwise unsympathetic character is surprising. In all the wrong ways, they’re well-suited for each other. They lie to themselves, and to the people they (are supposed to) love, they play games of love with no regard for actual feelings or consequences…it even managed to keep me guessing until the end, which one he’d eventually end up with.

I’ve seen a lot of gay indie movies. Probably more than the average gay man. There’s one consistent problem: the movies. Ha ha, just kidding, it’s the acting. It tends to be over the top (I know…right?) and steal credulity from the script (assuming it’s a good one).

“…“Make the Yuletide Gay,” a softer, lighter romantic comedy from a genre not known for its restraint.”

Despite it’s fairly obvious title, “Make the Yuletide Gay” has a theme more than just homos can relate to: being yourself around your family (or not being yourself, as the case may be). The main character is an intelligent philosophy major – he starts the movie in a equality t-shirt. Yeah yeah, stereotypes exist for a reason, but it’s nice to have a gay character who’s a character in the movie, first, and then just happens to be gay. If that makes sense.

The supporting (and straight) cast are the campy hams, overreaching and detracting from the story. Actually…some of the witty banter actually works (when the boyfriend shows up, unexpected, there’s a funny discussion of gets to be on top…of the bunkbeds, her son or his “roommate”). Even jokes about “beaver” and “Boxes” somehow work. Funnily, one of the worst 2-dimensional characters is also in the last gay indie film I watched (half of it, anyways).

HOWEVER!! Dr. Crusher cameo’s as boyfriend’s mom, and NELLIE OLESON is the neighbor! Honestly, I’m on ly 42 mintues into it, but it is shaping up to be just a flat-out good movie, much less good “gay movie.” The campy cast settles into a fairly satisfying (if not a bit too sweet) pudding of legitimate issues (coming out to loved ones) and the aforementioned jokes that somehow work with this cast.

Verdicts…Kinamand is nice enough, but not a must-see. Two Lovers is good for those who enjoy a good performance. And Make the Yuletide Gay is worth seeing, cuz it’s funny, and gay indie film needs support. Plus, any movie with a Little House on the Prarie and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy joke in the same sentence has my vote.

I’d like to apologize in advance…

November 29, 2009

for sharing this video.

But ha ha…”the musket show.” Plus, it reminded me of

Life is precious! And God! And the Bible!

“New Moon” is a terrible, terrible movie…

November 28, 2009

They learned NOTHING from the first atrocity? The script is still stilted, insipid, and pointless. The acting…”acting” is barely people moving around and saying words on film. You can’t even critique it, or reflect on it, because it’s just crap. It’s like trying to apply literary critical theory to a hand turkey by a two-year old. Only, the two-year old probably put a lot more thought into the paint on their hand, than anybody put into this movie.

 Surely there’s no possible way the book characters are so flat and uninteresting.  The “plot” so far is one cliché after another, to the point I’m confused. Didn’t anybody read this script, first? Or see any footage of Kristen Stewart? The vapid, angsty blandness worked for her suburban stereotype in Adventureland, but her passion/emotionless recitation of dialogue (“acting”) detracts from the already clichéd(I need some other words for cliché, if I’m going to keep talking about this movie – why am I even talking about this movie?), poorly written script. Are teen girls today (not to mention grown women, don’t even get me started) so identifying with this perpetual damsel in distress? So devoid of sense of self and strength she latches uncommunicative, violent old men…oooh, there’s nothing I could say about this, that someone else hasn’t.  

Emphasis mine.

“New Moon” is a terrible, terrible movie that is essentially “Transformers 2” for the training bra set with pseudo-soulful glances from bare-chested boys substituting for giant robots blowing things up.

Watching it is like staring at one of its promo T-shirts for 130 minutes–in both cases, the people on display are pretty enough but after a few minutes, their one-dimensional natures and the fact that they don’t actually do much of anything will quickly grow wearying for anyone looking for more than eye candy for unimaginative 14-year-old girls….Bella is crushed and spends the next few months (signified by arguably the most unintentionally hilarious moment in a film chock-full of them), weeping herself to sleep, trembling like a withdrawing heroin addict and acting even more anti-social than usual until she begins spending more and more quality time with Jake (Taylor Lautner), her newly buff and often shirtless best pal who, it turns out, is also a werewolf (though easily the least threatening one to appear on the big screen since Jason Bateman suited up for “Teen Wolf Too“)…what I fail to understand is, based on the evidence seen here, why the large and fanatical audience that is has developed would want to associate themselves with something as utterly dreadful as this. Do they actually admire a central character like Bella, a whiny mope who apparently can’t function in the world unless she has herself a fella? Do they actually find Edward to be a compelling and fascinating romantic foil even though it seems that he has managed to live for more than 100 years without developing anything resembling a personality. Do they actually find some trace of romantic chemistry between Bella and either one of the non-threatening boys that she finds herself flirting with in the most passive-aggressive manner and without any evident curiosity about their supernatural natures? Do they actually enjoy the maddening story construct that, much like the previous film, finds the characters more or less treading narrative water for more than 90 minutes before any actual drama kicks in, only to have it all more or less resolved in about 15 minutes or so?

 Then again, it could simply be the fact that the story, once again adapted by Melissa Rosenberg, is such a lugubrious lump of unplayable scenes and unspeakable dialogue that not even the finest and most distinctive filmmakers working today could make much of it. ..Kristen Stewart…her performance is so lumpy and listless that it feel as if she was whacked upside the head with a two-by-four before every take. As for the guys, Pattinson is so limp and listless throughout that he seems in more need of a flu shot than a taste of blood. while Lautner literally lets his pecs do the talking throughout in the chestiest performance to hit the screen since Gerard Butler bounced around in “300.”

~

New Moonis…so tedious and stupid that it makes last year’s Twilight seem like Nosferatu.

~

You can’t help watching without worrying about the future of humanity. It’s a bona fide box office smash, largely because seemingly every teenage girl on the planet is lapping it up. They all wish they could be Bella, some vacuous girl who pines over a guy who looks like he’s stuck his head in a bowl of flour, has about as much personality as a sock, mumbles incessantly, dumps her, buggers off to Italy and then turns up in her dreams whenever she seems to be getting over him to wag his finger because she’s callous enough not to be pining for him anymore.

Why? Well, he’s sorta good looking, and it’s the power of true love, right? If this is the world’s next generation of womanhood, that’s a century of female emancipation down the drain.

…the dispiriting dullness of the central plot, hamstrung by the fact that the two central characters are so insipid.

~

If further evidence was needed (and it really wasn’t) to support H.L. Mencken’s assertion that “no one ever went broke by underestimating the taste of the American public,” the opening weekend take of $140 million for The Twilight Saga: New Moon is that evidence.

a tedious morass of emo goo that goes on for 130 seemingly interminable minutes. Even the amusing gay werewolf subtext—with Jake (Taylor Lautner proving that his acting peaked four years ago in The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl) dumping Bella (Kristen Stewart) to be his real werewolf self (“it’s not a lifestyle choice”) by hanging out with a bunch of beefed-up shirtless boys—is only mildly diverting. You’re still left with about 20-minutes worth of story that mostly keeps going by reels and reels of moping from Bella and Edward (Robert Pattinson). To pad this out, the two have more mood swings and changes of heart than the entire cast of Gone With the Wind.

This might work better if either actor had any charisma, or if their attraction to each other made any sense. I guess Bella’s all hot and bothered over Edward because he can walk in “romantic” slow motion whenever he enters a scene.

~

MovieJuice’s whole review is worth reading. Also, a review in poem tome. I think what really irks me isn’t what a piece of crap New Moon is. Plenty of bad movies get made, all the time. Heck, I own a lot of them. I tell myself it’s a fad, these girls will know better in a few years…but then, how to explain the grown women?

I just don’t get it. Luckily, The Oatmeal does.

Please to read How Twilight Works.

And you saw Twilight: Three Wolf Moon, right?

Yes, please

November 26, 2009

borntobewild

Have you seen the Star Wars FB updates? DO IT.

I’m not a vegetarian

November 24, 2009

but I try to be aware, make informed/intelligent food choices, etc. I don’t even really like turkey or chicken, mostly just steak and seafood. I knew you were curious.

Anyways.

Here’s where your Tgiving turkey is probably coming from, if you’re getting one from the store.

Not even a PETA thing!

The chicks in this picture are being exposed to high-intensity light and partially microwaved to prepare for a routine surgery.

What surgery?

Having their beaks and talons cut off.

The beaks aren’t necessary for eating, and they might scratch other turkeys.  Same for talons.  So off they go!

As they get softened up to have their beaks and talons chopped off, some unlucky (?) chicks fall from a conveyor belt or slide and are literally crushed in the machine

 

EAT THEM UP, YUM.

hahahahahyesyesyeshahahahahaha…hahaha. ha! ha ha ha.

November 19, 2009

Just sayin’.

heyheyheyheyheyguesswhatguesswhatguesswhat???

November 19, 2009

I have a droid herbie curby! Herby kurby! Whatever! But my camera died, so pics will have to wait.

In the meantime, meet my new hero. “And get this, Speers says he isn’t really a huge Star Trek fan.”

Also, Cats 4 Gold!! Mail your gold, get some cats!!

from TDW, of course.

November 17, 2009

If I ever got pregnant by a human I would make this into a maternity shirt. Or a belly tattoo. Whatevers.

 

Between Two Ferns

November 17, 2009

Telling you to watch Between Two Ferns with My Boyfriend, Zach Galifinakis, is like telling you to breathe. If you don’t do it, you’re an idiot. Or suicidal. I mean, who wants to live a life without laughter? Go ahead and don’t watch. Kill yourself.

Seven Episodes already? I remember when I posted the very first episode in the About Me section of  my Myspace…it was shortly after my 73rd birthday. (Because Myspace is old and nobdy uses it.)

In ADDITION to having Zach, this one has not one but TWO of my favourite Andys. (I only have two favourite Andys. And one favourite Andes, the chocolate mint one.) Andy Richter Controls the Universe is one of the most under-rated shows ever. And The Andy Dick Show. It was also on television.

“That is the sound of a cricket riding a tumbleweed.”