(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??


(908): she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh… she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.


(480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, “I can has cheeseburger?” and then went back to eating me out.


(317): and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.


(813): I think dad’s getting high again. His last google search was “awesome ping pong shit.”


(780): but the lizard people decide everything anyway


(651): News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
(936): Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we’re going. Hope there is candy.

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