Crack.

This is just going to be a long post of stuff from textsfromlastnight that amused me.

(808): you were grabbing cocks left and right
(808): you literally grabbed sam’s dick and said, “who’s cock is this?!”

(443): Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i’m an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
(757): your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can’t find my clothes from last night, I’m still wasted, i’m pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT’S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

(267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i’m waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
 
(619): DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
And you can just read posts from the one person. There’s some sort of love connection gonna be a-happening there…
(325): That’s what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
 
(614): this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i’ve ever had
 
(310): you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
 
(804): I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight’s festivities
I actually clicked on that person’s other texts.  As feared, I think I’m falling in love:
(804): I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
 
(865): you won’t ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it’s gross, but you’ll have sex with him?
 
(972): i’m all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn’t flip his shower hourglass timer
 
(757): my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner ‘more fancy’…
 
(978): I have the worst farts today, I’m walking by the cubicles of people I don’t like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
 
(310): Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing …until you get to the next bar.
 
(585): WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
 
(414): You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go “Bye Bye!” and then when the new water came you would greet it with “Helloooo!”
 
(209): do you want me to make hamburgers?
(541): i’m vegan
(209): i’ll put lettuce on them
 
(419): I’m currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don’t scare the crap out of me.
(260): Good luck with that.
 
(970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it’s so cute.
 
(706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
 
Seriously…this one made me laugh out loud. Hushedly out loud, but uncontrollably out loud all the same:
(828): There’s a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of “Making love out of nothing at all”
And this might be my new everything:
(585): This is why I shouldn’t be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
 
(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
(1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
 
(215): I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
(267): I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
 
(405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
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